I think my best approach right now is catharsis- this is going to serve as my dumping ground. Instead of actually writing, I’ll just describe my process, in a hopes of kicking the bad habits and getting back to my roots, when I could actually sit down, focus for about six hours, and just pour my thoughts into a story.
I don’t know what ruined my ability to write. I can name a few different things that I point to, but I don’t know if that is the definite cause. I know its not so much an inability to be creative, it’s the inability to actually sit down and translate thought into written word. That’s where I get lost in the process. I’ve never been particularly stellar at self-motivation when it comes to time consuming hobbies, but writing was always the one thing I could immerse myself in if I wanted to forget the world for a bit of time.
To the beginning, it started in grade school. I was one of the dorks who looked forward to trying out and making my schools Power of the Pen creative writing team. Yeah, such a thing exists. We had try outs and t-shirts and everything. Go figure. The format was simple- here’s a prompt, take 40 minutes, hammer a story out. That was it. If only sports could be as pure and simple these days, instead of tuck rules, hand checks, insert mindless rule here….
I loved it. I immersed myself in books, trying to figure out how authors got their ideas. I watched movies to determine how to shore up plot holes, how to build up characters, how to translate real life into proper storytelling. I still catch myself doing it all the time. When I watch a movie, I can guess whats going to happen as soon as the movie starts, I can tell you what plot devices they’re going to use to get there, and give you a rundown of the major characters and what literary device or general character they’re devised from. My goal still is to put together a successful screenplay, I just can’t find an idea worth all that writing.
I think I crossed the line when I came to college. I can’t pinpoint it, but I think that’s when I stopped writing for fun, because I was constantly writing for work. Even when I changed my major to journalism, the fun wasn’t there anymore, though I think part of that has to due with a culture clash concerning the professor. We didn’t get along well, his teaching style didn’t fit my writing style, and his idea of encouragement was to tell me “You could be a journalist, but I wouldn’t think you’d do anything spectacular.” He might as well have followed up by digging a rusty fork into my eye and turning. While he may have been telling the truth, isn’t the point of learning to attempt to achieve the impossible and refine your work to exceed that limit of greatness? That was the final straw. When he put that verbal dagger through me, I gave up on journalism as a serious job and concentrated on what became my singular major, Political Science (at one point I was a triple major- Graphic Design, Journalism, Political Science. I had high aspirations, as you can tell).
My problem these days is just writing, not story crafting or idea conception. There are great ideas all around me these days for stories, I just can’t write. Literally, I will pull up a Word document, pick out my favorite batch of writing songs, hide all my IMS and social networking sites……and MAYBE get a sentence or two out. In February, I put together a great concept and began writing a novel. I was so excited for the idea, because everything I was coming up with just clicked. I would talk to my closest friends about it, show them things I had written and they loved it just as much as I did. But, as soon as I had gotten excited and writing, I gave up. No rhyme or reason. There wasn’t anybody discouraging me. I just couldn’t write. I would sit there and stare and reread, but there was no desire to continue. That’s how painful it has become. Or I would skip around and put ideas down to unfold further in the story, or open up a separate Word doc to plot an outline and do character sketches. My hope is to get back to that idea once I can kick this writers block or whatever the hell it is I’m facing.
Right now, it just feels good to sit down and write stream-of-consciously and see what happens. Its not necessarily entertaining writing, but at least I can sit here and put thoughts to words and not worry about getting burned out. Yet.
As a side note, I’m writing this down to hopefully exercise it from my mind. I’ve seen Talladega Nights a million and a half times. It was on TBS Sunday night and I had it playing in the background as I was unpacking. At one point, Ricky Bobby says ‘Well let me quote the late great Colonel Sanders. He said “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken”.’ I laughed hysterically. Now I can’t get it out of my head. I have no idea why. It’s a throwaway non-sequitur, but I can’t escape it. Damn you Ricky Bobby.
