I am a hypocrite.
Now, before you begin to cast the first stone and laud me for finally admitting to something you think you knew years and years before today, take a step back and look in the mirror before you let word one escape your lips.
We are all hypocrites.
Just not in the way you’re thinking right now.
When you sit down and think through ‘hypocrite’ ‘hypocrisy’ ‘hypocritical’, you think in derisively negative words. Someone who says something but does another. Believes in one thing but still acts differently. Synonyms would be two-faced, deceiver, fraud, charlatan, etc.
Pretty harsh, isn’t it?
For some people though, being a hypocrite is the best thing that could happen to them.
Stop and think for a moment, if you will...
When is the last time you did something good for yourself.
Now when was the last time you did something positive for yourself because you wanted to.
Now...stop right there.
You hear it all the time. “I lost weight because I wanted to feel better....” “I trained harder because I knew I could do it and I wanted to do it for me....” “I dumped him/her because it was best for me....”
Have you ever heard one of those statements, or something similar, uttered from your own mouth?
What was behind it?
I guarantee its something more than a ‘just because’.
I’ve been in a funk lately. I can’t describe it. I just can’t kick it.
A few months ago, I put together a plan called the ‘Better Me Project’. In theory, an awesome idea. Unfortunately, I got put on the road and the travel became a lot more extensive than I thought it would be, which shelved the BMP indefinitely.
That’s not the point, though. Sorry. Brief detour right there...
As I looked over my writing and read through my notes, one thing became abundantly clear.
I was doing this project “for me”.....
But it wasn’t really for me.
There were a million other factors involved. As there are every day.
“For me...”
....because I want this girl(s) to like me.
....because I want to prove this guy/person/people wrong.
....because he/she/they said I couldn’t do it.
....because it’s the right thing to do.
....because he/she/they said I should be doing this.
....because I can do it better than he/she/they.
Its sobering to sit back and think..just how many things have we done for ourselves without a hidden, underlying agenda? I would bet there’s not much.
A lot of this writing is cathartic. Its ideas I can’t escape from.
Like this one. Causing my funk.
Why can’t I just do something for myself? Not for anyone else, not to impress anyone else...but just because its something I truly want to do for myself? And I’m not talking about eating that candy bar to indulge, or staying away from second helpings, or buying that cool thing I really want....that’s not positive change.
It is something to think about. Can we actually do something for ourselves, pure of intentions and heart? Or are we doomed to consistently be doing things for ourselves, with undertones always attached? Is that just how the human condition is right now? Has it ever been different? Hell, will it ever be different?
I don’t know.
At the end of the day, I still need to make positive changes. Thanks to those of you who inspire me, aggravate me, or challenge me out of spite. Until I learn to kick this hypocrisy, you’re all I’ve got.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Days Three and Four Results
Getting busy and falling behind already! How miserable! I'm still going though. Everything is being completed, I just can't find the time to write. Its the first week though, so I need to take a step back and analyze how I can better fit everything into the day.
Day Three Results
Reading: 4 chapters
Exercise: 30 minutes of walking
Calories: 1890
Communications: +1
Writing: 4 pages
Day Four Results
Reading: 1 chapter
Exercise: 15min of walking
Calories: 1420
Communications: +1
Writing: 0 pages
Day Three Results
Reading: 4 chapters
Exercise: 30 minutes of walking
Calories: 1890
Communications: +1
Writing: 4 pages
Day Four Results
Reading: 1 chapter
Exercise: 15min of walking
Calories: 1420
Communications: +1
Writing: 0 pages
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Forget the Bucket, Welcome to the Invincibility List (Day Three)
“Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.” - Six Feet Under
Some day, something is going to happen to you and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. You can’t hide from it. You have no idea what will happen after it happens, you just know it will happen eventually.
Everybody dies. There’s no escaping that.
But not everybody lives, either.
So, put down that bucket list and stand up. DO SOMETHING!
I am decidedly anti-bucket list for anyone under the age of 70. The bucket list is meant to be a way to cope with mortality for people without much time left who want to prioritize the last few exciting things they may get to do before they shuffle off the mortal coil.
It is absolutely ridiculous for a 20/30/40 year old to sit down and compile a bucket list. I’m sorry if that offends you, please continue reading to understand my rationale.
If you are under the age of 70, a bucket list is meaningless for you. Don’t write things down, just go out and DO THEM.
You’re always told that when you turn 20, you think you’re invincible. That you can get away with everything and anything and no one will ever touch you because you think as such.
Why is that a bad thing? (Side Note: I don’t mean stupidity like drunk driving, drug use, etc. Anything you couldn’t tell your parents about makes you very vulnerable and not invincible at all. Its kryptonite. But you’re gonna do it anyway, aren’t you? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
Why is it a bad thing to consider ourselves invincible? As defined, invincibility is the thought “Incapable of being overcome or defeated; unconquerable.”
Is that such a bad thing to wake up every morning and declare ourselves invincible? We woke up, didn’t we? Death didn’t overcome us.
Is it wrong to go into every situation you encounter in a day with the thought that nothing will overcome you? Nothing will stop you from what you need to get done. (Again, barring extreme circumstances. By no means do I want you to step in front of a bullet or a speeding train just to test your invincibility. Within limits, true believers.)
It shouldn’t be.
Invincibility is fleeting though! It doesn’t last forever. Its like the star in Super Mario Brothers...it’ll only get you so far before it’s gone forever.
You only have so many years in your life to be invincible. You shouldn’t be wasting them thinking about the days when you will no longer have that invulnerability.
You should be out enjoying the fact that you have another day of invincibility. Use it. Speak to that girl/guy that you’ve always wanted to but never had the courage. You’re invincible! If she/he says no, do you die? Are you mortally wounded?
Nope.
Get off the couch and take a brisk walk around your block for a couple minutes. Feel the sweat dripping down your forehead and the air as it rushes in and out of your mouth. Feel your body fight against the exercise, but at the same time be SO ECSTATIC because you used it.
Did the sweat melt your skin off your bones? Did your lungs turn to ash?
Nope.
Take a crazy plunge. Go skydiving in California, or hang gliding in Colombia, or take a year in Africa to help with AIDS research, or Haiti in rebuilding after the earthquakes.
Big or small, trivial or monumental, the great thing is it doesn't matter. Just as long as you're out there appreciating the gift given to you and using it!
Go out there and don’t even think about your bucket list.
Think about your invincibility list. What haven’t you done that you should be doing? What haven’t you done that you want to do?
Here’s the trick. Don’t write it down. Don’t go near that pen or I’ll find you and smack you.
Just go do it!
I think bucket lists are great for people who are close to actually kicking the bucket.
But more than likely, you’re not one of them. So quit worrying!
Enjoy your invincibility. Just remember, capes get caught on edges and sharp things pretty easily, so stay away from propellers.
Some day, something is going to happen to you and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. You can’t hide from it. You have no idea what will happen after it happens, you just know it will happen eventually.
Everybody dies. There’s no escaping that.
But not everybody lives, either.
So, put down that bucket list and stand up. DO SOMETHING!
I am decidedly anti-bucket list for anyone under the age of 70. The bucket list is meant to be a way to cope with mortality for people without much time left who want to prioritize the last few exciting things they may get to do before they shuffle off the mortal coil.
It is absolutely ridiculous for a 20/30/40 year old to sit down and compile a bucket list. I’m sorry if that offends you, please continue reading to understand my rationale.
If you are under the age of 70, a bucket list is meaningless for you. Don’t write things down, just go out and DO THEM.
You’re always told that when you turn 20, you think you’re invincible. That you can get away with everything and anything and no one will ever touch you because you think as such.
Why is that a bad thing? (Side Note: I don’t mean stupidity like drunk driving, drug use, etc. Anything you couldn’t tell your parents about makes you very vulnerable and not invincible at all. Its kryptonite. But you’re gonna do it anyway, aren’t you? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
Why is it a bad thing to consider ourselves invincible? As defined, invincibility is the thought “Incapable of being overcome or defeated; unconquerable.”
Is that such a bad thing to wake up every morning and declare ourselves invincible? We woke up, didn’t we? Death didn’t overcome us.
Is it wrong to go into every situation you encounter in a day with the thought that nothing will overcome you? Nothing will stop you from what you need to get done. (Again, barring extreme circumstances. By no means do I want you to step in front of a bullet or a speeding train just to test your invincibility. Within limits, true believers.)
It shouldn’t be.
Invincibility is fleeting though! It doesn’t last forever. Its like the star in Super Mario Brothers...it’ll only get you so far before it’s gone forever.
You only have so many years in your life to be invincible. You shouldn’t be wasting them thinking about the days when you will no longer have that invulnerability.
You should be out enjoying the fact that you have another day of invincibility. Use it. Speak to that girl/guy that you’ve always wanted to but never had the courage. You’re invincible! If she/he says no, do you die? Are you mortally wounded?
Nope.
Get off the couch and take a brisk walk around your block for a couple minutes. Feel the sweat dripping down your forehead and the air as it rushes in and out of your mouth. Feel your body fight against the exercise, but at the same time be SO ECSTATIC because you used it.
Did the sweat melt your skin off your bones? Did your lungs turn to ash?
Nope.
Take a crazy plunge. Go skydiving in California, or hang gliding in Colombia, or take a year in Africa to help with AIDS research, or Haiti in rebuilding after the earthquakes.
Big or small, trivial or monumental, the great thing is it doesn't matter. Just as long as you're out there appreciating the gift given to you and using it!
Go out there and don’t even think about your bucket list.
Think about your invincibility list. What haven’t you done that you should be doing? What haven’t you done that you want to do?
Here’s the trick. Don’t write it down. Don’t go near that pen or I’ll find you and smack you.
Just go do it!
I think bucket lists are great for people who are close to actually kicking the bucket.
But more than likely, you’re not one of them. So quit worrying!
Enjoy your invincibility. Just remember, capes get caught on edges and sharp things pretty easily, so stay away from propellers.
Day Two
I should put something more in-depth up later. Forgot to write something last night for today. I'll get to it though.
Day Two Results
Reading: 2 chapters
Exercise: 15min of walking
Calories: 1630
Communications: +1
Writing: 5 pages
Day Two Results
Reading: 2 chapters
Exercise: 15min of walking
Calories: 1630
Communications: +1
Writing: 5 pages
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Personal Records (Day Two)
In the working world, the first thing you think of when the letters “PR” are used is Public Relations. I still have trouble with this even to this day, thanks to 10+ years of cross country and track.
In running terms, a “PR” is your personal record. It’s the best time you have to date for whatever race you’re running. You have to be proud of your PR, its an extension of you. It is the absolute best you have done.
Its a benchmark. Cross Country and Track are very lonely sports once you get on the playing field. You’ve got people cheering for you and you’ve got competitors around you, but there is no break. You cannot pass the ball off and take a second to regain your composure. You can’t return to the huddle because something didn’t work and try to create another way to success. Its a constant, fluid, individual sport. When it comes to race time, you HAVE to trust yourself, your legs, your brain, because at the end of it, your success relies solely on your shoulders.
The PR exists so that you can compete with yourself. I always imagined it as a shadow. Depending upon my pace, it would be running ahead, next to, or behind me, but it was always with me. It was the one thing I was after the most.
If you push yourself to be better than you could ever be, you will simultaneously become better than those around you. That’s just how it works. If you work to just be better than the people you’re competing against, you will NEVER become better than yourself.
For years, thats how I functioned. I had my PR and it was great, but I was more focused on doing better than those around me. Proving that I had something. Always grasping at straws for ways to prove myself. I never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, I should be focusing on what I could do to better who I was the day before and that doing so would lead me further.
I’ve always been a bit of an angry kid. Always with the chip on my shoulder. Never the best looking, strongest, fastest, tallest, smartest, etc. I always thought I could be though.
That entitlement is important. Even if it isn’t the case, you constantly have to think that you can become better. That you know its within you to do better than you previously had.
Obviously, I was misguided. Instead of trying to be smarter than I was yesterday, or faster than I had been in the last race, it was always trying to be smarter or faster than the people around me. By chance, sometimes it would improve me. Mostly, however, it was just a false result.
Compare it to cramming for a big test. All you’re doing is working to be better than the test, to outfox the teacher giving the test.
What do you learn from that? How are you bettering yourself?
You’re not. You’ll probably forget 95% of the information as soon as you drop that test off at the teachers desk and vacate the room.
If you took the time to read, study, and participate in class, you retain the information. You become smarter and more knowledgeable and, by effect, become better than the test that you’ll have to take weeks down the road.
Its with these ideas that I try to tackle this challenge, the Better Me Project. It finally, for me, isn’t about being better than the person next to me, or adding weight to the chip on my shoulder. It is just about becoming a better me than I was yesterday and being excited to become even better the next day.
It took me 24 years to realize that. Maybe it takes you longer to come to that realization. It doesn’t matter how long it takes in comparison to everyone else, it just matters that you get to that point. Again, better than YOU can be, not better than THEY can be.
At the end of every post, I’ll put up my PR’s and then compare whether I’m meeting them or not on a daily basis. This will exist as my shadow. Whether running beside me, behind me, or in front of me, that part of me will always be there to push me harder than I had previously gone. Some days will not meet my PR and that’s okay. Sometimes you hit benchmarks that are harder to pass than others. It doesn’t mean you fail on a daily basis, it just means you did extremely well on a certain day.
I still look at my cross country and track PR’s as a source of personal pride.
5k: 18:57 (sophomore year HS)
800m: 1:57 (junior year HS)
1600m: 5:02 (sophomore year HS)
400m: :50 (junior year HS)
Those were all set 7-8 years ago and I still look at them with pride. They were the best I could do. Maybe some day I will get back to those levels. I’d love to be there. If not, they still represent the best I have. There are others better than me out there and that’s fine. I still became better than I had been. My first 5k race as a freshman, I finished in 22:40. Within a year, I had bettered myself by almost 4 minutes. I kicked my own ass pretty well, which is awesome.
Day One PRs:
Books: Two chapters of Freakonomics
Conversations: +2 people
Exercise: 30 minutes walking
Caloric Intake: 1743 (which is duly impressive because I had Chipotle for dinner!)
Writing: 4 pages (2 of them being this piece)
Here’s to Day Two! Thanks for the support.
In running terms, a “PR” is your personal record. It’s the best time you have to date for whatever race you’re running. You have to be proud of your PR, its an extension of you. It is the absolute best you have done.
Its a benchmark. Cross Country and Track are very lonely sports once you get on the playing field. You’ve got people cheering for you and you’ve got competitors around you, but there is no break. You cannot pass the ball off and take a second to regain your composure. You can’t return to the huddle because something didn’t work and try to create another way to success. Its a constant, fluid, individual sport. When it comes to race time, you HAVE to trust yourself, your legs, your brain, because at the end of it, your success relies solely on your shoulders.
The PR exists so that you can compete with yourself. I always imagined it as a shadow. Depending upon my pace, it would be running ahead, next to, or behind me, but it was always with me. It was the one thing I was after the most.
If you push yourself to be better than you could ever be, you will simultaneously become better than those around you. That’s just how it works. If you work to just be better than the people you’re competing against, you will NEVER become better than yourself.
For years, thats how I functioned. I had my PR and it was great, but I was more focused on doing better than those around me. Proving that I had something. Always grasping at straws for ways to prove myself. I never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, I should be focusing on what I could do to better who I was the day before and that doing so would lead me further.
I’ve always been a bit of an angry kid. Always with the chip on my shoulder. Never the best looking, strongest, fastest, tallest, smartest, etc. I always thought I could be though.
That entitlement is important. Even if it isn’t the case, you constantly have to think that you can become better. That you know its within you to do better than you previously had.
Obviously, I was misguided. Instead of trying to be smarter than I was yesterday, or faster than I had been in the last race, it was always trying to be smarter or faster than the people around me. By chance, sometimes it would improve me. Mostly, however, it was just a false result.
Compare it to cramming for a big test. All you’re doing is working to be better than the test, to outfox the teacher giving the test.
What do you learn from that? How are you bettering yourself?
You’re not. You’ll probably forget 95% of the information as soon as you drop that test off at the teachers desk and vacate the room.
If you took the time to read, study, and participate in class, you retain the information. You become smarter and more knowledgeable and, by effect, become better than the test that you’ll have to take weeks down the road.
Its with these ideas that I try to tackle this challenge, the Better Me Project. It finally, for me, isn’t about being better than the person next to me, or adding weight to the chip on my shoulder. It is just about becoming a better me than I was yesterday and being excited to become even better the next day.
It took me 24 years to realize that. Maybe it takes you longer to come to that realization. It doesn’t matter how long it takes in comparison to everyone else, it just matters that you get to that point. Again, better than YOU can be, not better than THEY can be.
At the end of every post, I’ll put up my PR’s and then compare whether I’m meeting them or not on a daily basis. This will exist as my shadow. Whether running beside me, behind me, or in front of me, that part of me will always be there to push me harder than I had previously gone. Some days will not meet my PR and that’s okay. Sometimes you hit benchmarks that are harder to pass than others. It doesn’t mean you fail on a daily basis, it just means you did extremely well on a certain day.
I still look at my cross country and track PR’s as a source of personal pride.
5k: 18:57 (sophomore year HS)
800m: 1:57 (junior year HS)
1600m: 5:02 (sophomore year HS)
400m: :50 (junior year HS)
Those were all set 7-8 years ago and I still look at them with pride. They were the best I could do. Maybe some day I will get back to those levels. I’d love to be there. If not, they still represent the best I have. There are others better than me out there and that’s fine. I still became better than I had been. My first 5k race as a freshman, I finished in 22:40. Within a year, I had bettered myself by almost 4 minutes. I kicked my own ass pretty well, which is awesome.
Day One PRs:
Books: Two chapters of Freakonomics
Conversations: +2 people
Exercise: 30 minutes walking
Caloric Intake: 1743 (which is duly impressive because I had Chipotle for dinner!)
Writing: 4 pages (2 of them being this piece)
Here’s to Day Two! Thanks for the support.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Better Me Project
At a training session a couple weeks ago, an idea was brought up, involving grade school gold star charts and the pursuit of becoming a better and more well-rounded person. The more I thought about about it, the more I dismissed it. The concept was pretty simple- pick a group of things, make a chart, every day you do it put a star up. Where it got interesting is the guys who did it posted their star charts on a daily basis on Facebook, using their friends to motivate them.
That is what captivated me. People were actually following along, enjoying their progress, helping them out however they could- whether it was through phone calls, or facebook messages, or text....there were people out there who cared enough to keep them on task, keep them moving toward their goal. The goal wasn’t perfection, it was just a constant pursuit of becoming a better person.
I began to consider how I could tailor a program like that for me. I know there’s a lot I need to change and a lot of ways to improve the situations around me. I have also known that for the past year or so, my main source of inspiration and contact with most of my friends, family, and so on is through social media. So putting the two together just started to make a lot of sense.
For those of you who don’t know, for the past two years I’ve been dealing with pretty bad cases of Social and General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Depression. I’m really not ashamed of it anymore, though I once was. Part of the process of fighting it is admitting it in public. Its nothing to be ashamed of and it happens to a lot more people than you think. It took two years for me to really come to grips with it and not be afraid to talk about it in public. It actually took until three weeks ago when I had a sit down with somebody who had similar problems that I finally came to terms with it and overcoming it.
The past two years have been a constant struggle of ups and downs. I let it all get so bad that it messed with the electrical chemistry of my heart, complicating everything by creating random heart palpitations/arrhythmia. Which then just made the process cyclical- I’d overcome a lot of anxiety, depression, etc. and as soon as things started to improve, my heart would react in an odd way and it would toss me back down the slope, only to start things over again. Imagine, if you will, you’re in the middle of a crowded bar of about 500 people with 6 of your friends and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, your heart starts pumping at about 200 beats per minute for ten seconds and nothing you can do will stop it. Or, imagine if you’re sitting down with a friend, having a random conversation about nothing in particular and you feel your heart start to hiccup...one second it’s a really strong beat that makes your entire body tingle.....the next its a really soft beat and you have to wonder if you’re heart is about to stop beating.
That’s what I’ve dealt with over the past two years. I let it affect me significantly. I’d stay in when everyone went out. I cut myself off from a LOT of people to avoid talking about it. There would be times where I would just get out to be with friends and have an episode...and I’d have to make up an excuse to leave immediately. It was a significant hindrance upon life in general.
These past couple months, I’ve been fed up of letting it dictate who I am and what I do. I’ve fought by myself for almost two years now and clearly the results are not what I had hoped.
Enter the BMP. The idea behind it is to use measurable goals to fight it and attempt to become a better person, better worker, better friend, better son, etc. I’ve spent two years hiding from a lot of things out of fear, but I want to use this Project as a way to put myself back out there and make positive changes.
The name, the Better Me Project, has a two-fold definition. First, obviously, is the desire to better me. I want to lay down guidelines that will make life better, will better educate me, will allow me to better help other people. At the same time, I need YOUR help. I need you to better me. I need you to keep me on my toes. I’m setting measurable goals that I came up with that I think will make me better. I need you to set goals as well. What do you think I need to do to become better? Where do you think I’m lacking and what goals would you set that you’d like to see me complete?
Over the next 30 days, I’m going to give this a shot. This is the trial-run of the BMP. To see if I can do it and to see how many people can reach out to help make a difference. I encourage you to take the idea and run with it. Even if you think you’ve already got a good grasp on everything, there’s always room to improve.
I’m going to use my blog as my daily updater. Part of the goal is to start writing more. I’ve always told people I love to write and would love to get paid to write, but there has never been any follow through.
GOAL 1: Update my blog on a daily basis.
I love to read. I love to read many different genres. I think reading randomly is the best way to learn and retain knowledge. Going to college completely turned me off from reading because the textbooks would put me to sleep.
GOAL 2: At least 6 books completed in 30 days.
I picked out a random assortment of books for my 30 day period. Books I may not normally read. I encourage you to do the same.
My books:
Freakonomics by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Again, random assortment- from women’s lit to fiction to business networking to pop culture.
Because of my heart, I’ve had a real problem convincing myself that getting back into the gym was a worthwhile venture, for fear of keeling over and dying on the spot.
GOAL 3: 14 days straight of at least 30min worth of cardio
I’ve also used the excuse that because of my job as a consultant and constant road travels, eating healthy and watching my calories was impossible.
GOAL 4: 7 days straight of eating no more than 2,000 calories
I’ve also become averse to meeting new people. While I was never the best at it, I could at least do it when push came to shove.
GOAL 5: Create random interactions
I don’t mean randomly introduce myself to people on the street. What I mean by random interactions is striking up conversations with co-workers when I might actually just walk by them. Smile at people while I’m in an elevator instead of stare forward like a zombie. Say please, thank you, and create conversation with people when in stores or waiting in line.
Those are my five goals. The basic start of the BMP. If you have more or want to add on, I NEED you to do so.
This is a constant pursuit. I’m going to constantly need help. YOUR help. There are tons of mini goals to meet attached to the big ones, such as cutting out pop to meet the 2k calorie mark, or staying away from the TV or PS3 to keep reading, or to push my ass out of the house to get to the gym.
Here are my email addresses: mhart@ato.org michael86hart@gmail.com
Here are both of my cell phone numbers: (216)702-8027 (317)514-9291
Be relentless. If you don’t see a blog post for a day (within reason, 6am phone calls and Goal 3 may involve tracking you down and killing you), call or text me and ask me what’s going on. Ask me if I’ve been keeping up.
The title of my blog has been “Lost in Sleep” for the longest time because for the past two years I have felt like I’ve been in a constant sleep. Life has just drifted by and there hasn’t been much I could do to catch up and wake up.
My hope is that with your help and the BMP, I can change that and in doing so, not only change my life for the better, but hopefully make a positive impact on yours.
It is time for me to wake up and reassert control.
If I can step out of my comfort zone and do this, why can’t you?
Good luck to all of us!
That is what captivated me. People were actually following along, enjoying their progress, helping them out however they could- whether it was through phone calls, or facebook messages, or text....there were people out there who cared enough to keep them on task, keep them moving toward their goal. The goal wasn’t perfection, it was just a constant pursuit of becoming a better person.
I began to consider how I could tailor a program like that for me. I know there’s a lot I need to change and a lot of ways to improve the situations around me. I have also known that for the past year or so, my main source of inspiration and contact with most of my friends, family, and so on is through social media. So putting the two together just started to make a lot of sense.
For those of you who don’t know, for the past two years I’ve been dealing with pretty bad cases of Social and General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Depression. I’m really not ashamed of it anymore, though I once was. Part of the process of fighting it is admitting it in public. Its nothing to be ashamed of and it happens to a lot more people than you think. It took two years for me to really come to grips with it and not be afraid to talk about it in public. It actually took until three weeks ago when I had a sit down with somebody who had similar problems that I finally came to terms with it and overcoming it.
The past two years have been a constant struggle of ups and downs. I let it all get so bad that it messed with the electrical chemistry of my heart, complicating everything by creating random heart palpitations/arrhythmia. Which then just made the process cyclical- I’d overcome a lot of anxiety, depression, etc. and as soon as things started to improve, my heart would react in an odd way and it would toss me back down the slope, only to start things over again. Imagine, if you will, you’re in the middle of a crowded bar of about 500 people with 6 of your friends and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, your heart starts pumping at about 200 beats per minute for ten seconds and nothing you can do will stop it. Or, imagine if you’re sitting down with a friend, having a random conversation about nothing in particular and you feel your heart start to hiccup...one second it’s a really strong beat that makes your entire body tingle.....the next its a really soft beat and you have to wonder if you’re heart is about to stop beating.
That’s what I’ve dealt with over the past two years. I let it affect me significantly. I’d stay in when everyone went out. I cut myself off from a LOT of people to avoid talking about it. There would be times where I would just get out to be with friends and have an episode...and I’d have to make up an excuse to leave immediately. It was a significant hindrance upon life in general.
These past couple months, I’ve been fed up of letting it dictate who I am and what I do. I’ve fought by myself for almost two years now and clearly the results are not what I had hoped.
Enter the BMP. The idea behind it is to use measurable goals to fight it and attempt to become a better person, better worker, better friend, better son, etc. I’ve spent two years hiding from a lot of things out of fear, but I want to use this Project as a way to put myself back out there and make positive changes.
The name, the Better Me Project, has a two-fold definition. First, obviously, is the desire to better me. I want to lay down guidelines that will make life better, will better educate me, will allow me to better help other people. At the same time, I need YOUR help. I need you to better me. I need you to keep me on my toes. I’m setting measurable goals that I came up with that I think will make me better. I need you to set goals as well. What do you think I need to do to become better? Where do you think I’m lacking and what goals would you set that you’d like to see me complete?
Over the next 30 days, I’m going to give this a shot. This is the trial-run of the BMP. To see if I can do it and to see how many people can reach out to help make a difference. I encourage you to take the idea and run with it. Even if you think you’ve already got a good grasp on everything, there’s always room to improve.
I’m going to use my blog as my daily updater. Part of the goal is to start writing more. I’ve always told people I love to write and would love to get paid to write, but there has never been any follow through.
GOAL 1: Update my blog on a daily basis.
I love to read. I love to read many different genres. I think reading randomly is the best way to learn and retain knowledge. Going to college completely turned me off from reading because the textbooks would put me to sleep.
GOAL 2: At least 6 books completed in 30 days.
I picked out a random assortment of books for my 30 day period. Books I may not normally read. I encourage you to do the same.
My books:
Freakonomics by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Again, random assortment- from women’s lit to fiction to business networking to pop culture.
Because of my heart, I’ve had a real problem convincing myself that getting back into the gym was a worthwhile venture, for fear of keeling over and dying on the spot.
GOAL 3: 14 days straight of at least 30min worth of cardio
I’ve also used the excuse that because of my job as a consultant and constant road travels, eating healthy and watching my calories was impossible.
GOAL 4: 7 days straight of eating no more than 2,000 calories
I’ve also become averse to meeting new people. While I was never the best at it, I could at least do it when push came to shove.
GOAL 5: Create random interactions
I don’t mean randomly introduce myself to people on the street. What I mean by random interactions is striking up conversations with co-workers when I might actually just walk by them. Smile at people while I’m in an elevator instead of stare forward like a zombie. Say please, thank you, and create conversation with people when in stores or waiting in line.
Those are my five goals. The basic start of the BMP. If you have more or want to add on, I NEED you to do so.
This is a constant pursuit. I’m going to constantly need help. YOUR help. There are tons of mini goals to meet attached to the big ones, such as cutting out pop to meet the 2k calorie mark, or staying away from the TV or PS3 to keep reading, or to push my ass out of the house to get to the gym.
Here are my email addresses: mhart@ato.org michael86hart@gmail.com
Here are both of my cell phone numbers: (216)702-8027 (317)514-9291
Be relentless. If you don’t see a blog post for a day (within reason, 6am phone calls and Goal 3 may involve tracking you down and killing you), call or text me and ask me what’s going on. Ask me if I’ve been keeping up.
The title of my blog has been “Lost in Sleep” for the longest time because for the past two years I have felt like I’ve been in a constant sleep. Life has just drifted by and there hasn’t been much I could do to catch up and wake up.
My hope is that with your help and the BMP, I can change that and in doing so, not only change my life for the better, but hopefully make a positive impact on yours.
It is time for me to wake up and reassert control.
If I can step out of my comfort zone and do this, why can’t you?
Good luck to all of us!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Prologue and Chapter 1
Prologue: Cold Sweat
In the grand scheme of things, everybody has the generally the same game plan. At some point, we all plan to find a career, get married, have kids, attempt to enjoy life, retire, and die. That was Charlie’s game plan, too, until somebody came along and fucked the whole thing up.
Charlie sat on the corner of his bed late one balmy June night, his sweat soaked head in his hands, peering down into the darkness at the beige carpet in his room. He had just suffered the same nightmare he’s had for years past, only this time there was something more real about it. His nightmares weren’t actually dreams, it was him asleep thinking about things that actually happened. He had gotten good at getting past it, something his therapist called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy”.
He ran his hands through his wet light brown hair and opened his eyes wide. It had been a very crazy three years for him, sometimes he had to check to make sure he was still living in real life and hadn’t shipped himself off to the loony bin. As he stands, his chest heaves with deep breaths and his heart beating hard- the perks of standing too quickly after laying down for too long. His tall frame creates a silhouette against the moonlight shining in through the windows above his bed.
Walking to his bathroom and trying to walk silently enough so as not to wake his housemates, he shakes his head a couple times. It was another bad night, he thought to himself. Just another bad dream. Splash some water on your face to cool down, head back in the room and throw some music on and everything will drift away....
Charlie turned the light on in the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror, his hands holding firm on the edge of the sink. He splashed some water in his face and quickly toweled it off before returning to his bed.
As he laid down, the sound of his favorite singer, Norah Jones, began to echo softly from his computer. Any time he had a bad night, Norah could put him to sleep. Her voice was familiar to him by now. Charlie stared up at the ceiling, trying to coax himself back to sleep...
It all started three years ago.....that one fateful day....
Chapter One: Dragon Pants
It was 2004. Charlie sat in his dorm room, wearing ridiculously brightly colored pajama pants, looking at his roommate. Part of him was cussing the school out. He had came here to escape everything about his high school and his hometown of Cleveland. Instead, the school put him in the same room with some slob that went to high school with him and put his name down on the reserve list.
Russ smelled terrible. He was fat and used steroids, but was dumb enough to use them incorrectly. He’s the kid who thought that just by injecting the sauce into your ass on a daily basis, it would make you bigger. Instead, he grew more rotund. He was your usually wannabe baseball jock. Loud, obnoxious, and believed he was God’s golden gift to the game of baseball and to all those around him with the luck to be around him.
“Come on man, the third and fourth floor are chick floors! Welcome to college, bro! Let’s go get us some fuckin pussy!” said Russ as he changes out of his practice uniform and into a pair of gym shorts and a cutoff tee.
“Umm...don’t you need to shower first? You just got back from a four hour practice...” was Charlie’s response. “Nah, fuck that, I’m cool.” Russ walked over to the bolted in dresser and grabbed his bottle of cologne, spraying himself down a good seven times, including two good luck squirts on his crotch.
“Come on, bro. Don’t make me go up there alone. This is college! This is what it’s about! Put the fuckin book down and let’s go grab us some snatch!”
The irony of the statement caused Charlie to grin a little. He looked back down at his book, one of the required summer readings, but then closed his eyes and put the book on his desk, shaking his head. If he didn’t go up there with Russ, Russ would do it alone and invariably offend every girl up there, thus making it impossible to bring a girl back to the room, if he ever got lucky like that.
Charlie gets off his bed and walks over to his closet to find a pair of shorts.
“What the fuck are you doing? Lets go man! Times a-wastin and you aren’t getting any prettier!”
“Let me put some shorts on man...let me get out of these pajama pants...”
“Nah, fuck that, bro. They’re good. You need a sticking point. Something they’ll remember you by. If you leave an impression, no matter what it is, bitches remember.”
Charlie laughed once more.
“You really thing multicolored dragon pajama pants are gonna do that? These things are hideous man....I never wore these out in public...”
“Dude, seriously, you’ll be fine.”
“Well...whats your gimmick, Russ?”
Russ quickly looked around the room before grabbing the sombrero from Charlie’s trip to Mexico off the wall.
“Russ, get the fuck out of here. My sombrero? You look ridiculous!”
“That’s the point, bro! Girls love that ‘sense of humor’ bullshit. You know they don’t give a fuck what you really think! As long as you show and pretend you’ve got a quote unquote good sense of humor, panties drop like manna from Heaven.”
Charlie stared blankly at Russ for a second. He didn’t know whether to question how Russ knew a parable and was able to use it correctly, or why Russ connected manna to panties.
“Come on, dude. You ready? Pussy awaits us, my friend!”
Charlie rolled his eyes, lowered his head and walked out of the room behind Russ. This was a huge mistake, but at least Charlie could play the straight man. Russ would invariably make an ass out of himself, which meant as long as Charlie stood there, smiled, and played the shy but respectful type, he would probably meet some girl he could stand talking to.
Most of the rooms were the same. Russ would jump in and introduce himself and start the conversation, while Charlie politely introduced himself and talked to some of the girls he met at orientation. They were all perfectly nice, but none of them really stood out to him. Then again, he spent most of high school playing sports and hanging out with his teammates instead of pursuing girls 24/7. He had his fair share of girlfriends, but most of them came from the team. Needless to say, his skills were a little lacking.
They had made it up to the fourth floor, where all the quads were. Russ stopped Charlie outside of the first one.
“Look, bro. I met one of the girls in this room earlier. She is SMOKIN fuckin hot. Don’t fuck this one up, alright? I wanna bone her.”
Charlie rolled his eyes at Russ.
“Im serious, man! Don’t fuck this one up for me!”
“Yeah, yeah. I got you, Russ.”
Russ knocked on the door and a tiny Asian girl opened it.
“Heyyyyy! Sophie!! How the fuck is it goin?! I haven’t seen you in hours!”
Russ clobbered Sophie with a bear hug as Charlie watched behind him in bemusement as he can see Sophie’s eyes bug out once she catches Charlie’s after-practice musk.
“Hi, Russ. What’s up?”
Sophie removed herself from Russ’ grip and smiled at Charlie, extending her hand for a handshake.
“Hi. You must be Charlie? I’m Sophie. Russ and I met today at orientation.”
Charlie shook Sophie’s hand and smiled. She was cute, sure, but he would hardly call her “smokin fuckin hot” as Russ deemed her.
Russ barged past the door and into the room to meet the rest of the girls. Charlie walked behind him...
And then stopped. She stood in front of him in a pair of green basketball shorts and a gray shirt, her hair done up in a pony tail.
“Hi, I’m Ashley. What’s your name?”
The words didn’t register with Charlie. He was absolutely caught in her beauty. She must have quickly noticed him staring, because she blushed and smiled.
“Do I have a booger or something? Because that would be really embarrassing...almost as embarrassing as those pants..”
Charlie snapped back to reality and looked down. The fucking dragon pants. What an embarrassment. He told himself to remember to kick Russ in the balls later on for suggesting he walk out of the room in these goddamned pants.
“Ahh..yeah...sorry. My best friend from home made these for me.”
“I see. I don’t know many guys who sew.....”
“Oh! No. She’s a girl.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Who, Sarah? God no. We go way back. She’s like a sister. Yeah, no. I definitely don’t have a girlfriend right now.”
Charlie started to blush, badly. He knew he was failing badly at talking to this girl, but he was just shellshocked at how attracted he was to her.
“Good to know. I don’t even know your name, but I know you’re single.”
“OH! Sorry! Sorry! My name is Charlie. What’d you say your name was?”
“Ashley.”
“Hi, Ashley. My name is Charlie.....”
He paused for a moment and smiled. Charlie knew he was going to hang himself later in his closet for biffing the conversation this bad.
“Ah shit. I already told you my name. Sorry.”
“Its alright, Chuck. Where you from?”
Ashley sat on her bed and patted next to her, motioning for Charlie to come sit next to her.
“Thanks. I’m from Cleveland, Ohio.”
“Oh yeah? What part of Cleveland?”
“The actual city of. I hate those people who say they’re from Cleveland, but it ends up being a suburb. If you live in a suburb, just say so. If somebody says they’re from New York, nobody actually asks them where in New York, they just nod their heads. But with Cleveland, nobody is actually from the city. Its dumb.”
Ashley smiled while Charlie just buried his head into his chest and shook his head.
“Ah...ah...I’m sorry. For real. Russ forced me to come out and meet people. I don’t know what I’m doing up here.”
Ashley laughed.
“It’s okay. It’s kinda cute.”
Charlie looked up to see Ashley smiling and brushing a piece of her brunette with blonde highlighted hair behind her ear.
“So, where are you from, Ashley?
“Avon.”
“Oh! I know where that is! That’s about thirty minutes from Cleveland, right?”
“Yep!”
“Oh wow, we don’t live too far from each other.”
“Guess not. Don’t start stalking me now...”
“Oh...oh no. I didn’t mean it in that way! Fuck....do you just want me to leave? I’m sorry.”
Ashley puts her hand on Charlie’s.
“You’re fine, Chuck. What’s got you so nervous?”
“Well, its just that I think you’re really, really pretty. Ohhhhhh....”
Charlie said out loud what he was thinking and only caught himself after he said it. He closed his eyes and tried to fight back the tears of humiliation he felt welling in his eyes. This was kick to the nuts number two for Russ later.
“Oh...well...thank you Chuck. I think you’re pretty cute, as well.”
He looked up again and he must have looked like an excited puppy dog with as wide as his eyes were, because Ashley let out a loud laugh.
“Well...thanks, I think.”
Charlie didn’t know what to do. He had never been in this situation before. In his head were a million different thoughts, none of which seemed like a viable option. However, he knew he got to this point by being open and direct, so why stop it?
“Well, you wanna hang out?”
As Ashley goes to answer, Russ cuts a loud fart from across the room, much to the delight of Sophie.
“Umm...if you keep company like that....”
“Oh no! He’s just my roommate. I DID NOT pick to live with that mongoloid.”
“Alright. We can hang then. You wanna watch a movie later?”
“Sure!”
Charlie was beside himself he was so excited. Is it really that easy? is all he could think to himself. He walked in there, made an absolute ass out of himself, and ended up with a pseudo-date later on in the night. They continued to talk for a few more minutes before deciding on a time to meet later that night to watch the movie. Russ and Sophie butted in and joined the movie plans as well.
As Russ and Charlie walked back down the stairwell to their room, Russ punched Charlie in the shoulder.
“See, ya motherfucker! I told you things were gonna work out! I’m totally gettin laid tonight! She’s a fuckin slam piece, bro! Totally!”
Rather than engage him in conversation, Charlie merely nodded hid head, still unable to get the smile off his face. Russ or no Russ, he had a movie date with Ashley tonight.
In the grand scheme of things, everybody has the generally the same game plan. At some point, we all plan to find a career, get married, have kids, attempt to enjoy life, retire, and die. That was Charlie’s game plan, too, until somebody came along and fucked the whole thing up.
Charlie sat on the corner of his bed late one balmy June night, his sweat soaked head in his hands, peering down into the darkness at the beige carpet in his room. He had just suffered the same nightmare he’s had for years past, only this time there was something more real about it. His nightmares weren’t actually dreams, it was him asleep thinking about things that actually happened. He had gotten good at getting past it, something his therapist called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy”.
He ran his hands through his wet light brown hair and opened his eyes wide. It had been a very crazy three years for him, sometimes he had to check to make sure he was still living in real life and hadn’t shipped himself off to the loony bin. As he stands, his chest heaves with deep breaths and his heart beating hard- the perks of standing too quickly after laying down for too long. His tall frame creates a silhouette against the moonlight shining in through the windows above his bed.
Walking to his bathroom and trying to walk silently enough so as not to wake his housemates, he shakes his head a couple times. It was another bad night, he thought to himself. Just another bad dream. Splash some water on your face to cool down, head back in the room and throw some music on and everything will drift away....
Charlie turned the light on in the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror, his hands holding firm on the edge of the sink. He splashed some water in his face and quickly toweled it off before returning to his bed.
As he laid down, the sound of his favorite singer, Norah Jones, began to echo softly from his computer. Any time he had a bad night, Norah could put him to sleep. Her voice was familiar to him by now. Charlie stared up at the ceiling, trying to coax himself back to sleep...
It all started three years ago.....that one fateful day....
Chapter One: Dragon Pants
It was 2004. Charlie sat in his dorm room, wearing ridiculously brightly colored pajama pants, looking at his roommate. Part of him was cussing the school out. He had came here to escape everything about his high school and his hometown of Cleveland. Instead, the school put him in the same room with some slob that went to high school with him and put his name down on the reserve list.
Russ smelled terrible. He was fat and used steroids, but was dumb enough to use them incorrectly. He’s the kid who thought that just by injecting the sauce into your ass on a daily basis, it would make you bigger. Instead, he grew more rotund. He was your usually wannabe baseball jock. Loud, obnoxious, and believed he was God’s golden gift to the game of baseball and to all those around him with the luck to be around him.
“Come on man, the third and fourth floor are chick floors! Welcome to college, bro! Let’s go get us some fuckin pussy!” said Russ as he changes out of his practice uniform and into a pair of gym shorts and a cutoff tee.
“Umm...don’t you need to shower first? You just got back from a four hour practice...” was Charlie’s response. “Nah, fuck that, I’m cool.” Russ walked over to the bolted in dresser and grabbed his bottle of cologne, spraying himself down a good seven times, including two good luck squirts on his crotch.
“Come on, bro. Don’t make me go up there alone. This is college! This is what it’s about! Put the fuckin book down and let’s go grab us some snatch!”
The irony of the statement caused Charlie to grin a little. He looked back down at his book, one of the required summer readings, but then closed his eyes and put the book on his desk, shaking his head. If he didn’t go up there with Russ, Russ would do it alone and invariably offend every girl up there, thus making it impossible to bring a girl back to the room, if he ever got lucky like that.
Charlie gets off his bed and walks over to his closet to find a pair of shorts.
“What the fuck are you doing? Lets go man! Times a-wastin and you aren’t getting any prettier!”
“Let me put some shorts on man...let me get out of these pajama pants...”
“Nah, fuck that, bro. They’re good. You need a sticking point. Something they’ll remember you by. If you leave an impression, no matter what it is, bitches remember.”
Charlie laughed once more.
“You really thing multicolored dragon pajama pants are gonna do that? These things are hideous man....I never wore these out in public...”
“Dude, seriously, you’ll be fine.”
“Well...whats your gimmick, Russ?”
Russ quickly looked around the room before grabbing the sombrero from Charlie’s trip to Mexico off the wall.
“Russ, get the fuck out of here. My sombrero? You look ridiculous!”
“That’s the point, bro! Girls love that ‘sense of humor’ bullshit. You know they don’t give a fuck what you really think! As long as you show and pretend you’ve got a quote unquote good sense of humor, panties drop like manna from Heaven.”
Charlie stared blankly at Russ for a second. He didn’t know whether to question how Russ knew a parable and was able to use it correctly, or why Russ connected manna to panties.
“Come on, dude. You ready? Pussy awaits us, my friend!”
Charlie rolled his eyes, lowered his head and walked out of the room behind Russ. This was a huge mistake, but at least Charlie could play the straight man. Russ would invariably make an ass out of himself, which meant as long as Charlie stood there, smiled, and played the shy but respectful type, he would probably meet some girl he could stand talking to.
Most of the rooms were the same. Russ would jump in and introduce himself and start the conversation, while Charlie politely introduced himself and talked to some of the girls he met at orientation. They were all perfectly nice, but none of them really stood out to him. Then again, he spent most of high school playing sports and hanging out with his teammates instead of pursuing girls 24/7. He had his fair share of girlfriends, but most of them came from the team. Needless to say, his skills were a little lacking.
They had made it up to the fourth floor, where all the quads were. Russ stopped Charlie outside of the first one.
“Look, bro. I met one of the girls in this room earlier. She is SMOKIN fuckin hot. Don’t fuck this one up, alright? I wanna bone her.”
Charlie rolled his eyes at Russ.
“Im serious, man! Don’t fuck this one up for me!”
“Yeah, yeah. I got you, Russ.”
Russ knocked on the door and a tiny Asian girl opened it.
“Heyyyyy! Sophie!! How the fuck is it goin?! I haven’t seen you in hours!”
Russ clobbered Sophie with a bear hug as Charlie watched behind him in bemusement as he can see Sophie’s eyes bug out once she catches Charlie’s after-practice musk.
“Hi, Russ. What’s up?”
Sophie removed herself from Russ’ grip and smiled at Charlie, extending her hand for a handshake.
“Hi. You must be Charlie? I’m Sophie. Russ and I met today at orientation.”
Charlie shook Sophie’s hand and smiled. She was cute, sure, but he would hardly call her “smokin fuckin hot” as Russ deemed her.
Russ barged past the door and into the room to meet the rest of the girls. Charlie walked behind him...
And then stopped. She stood in front of him in a pair of green basketball shorts and a gray shirt, her hair done up in a pony tail.
“Hi, I’m Ashley. What’s your name?”
The words didn’t register with Charlie. He was absolutely caught in her beauty. She must have quickly noticed him staring, because she blushed and smiled.
“Do I have a booger or something? Because that would be really embarrassing...almost as embarrassing as those pants..”
Charlie snapped back to reality and looked down. The fucking dragon pants. What an embarrassment. He told himself to remember to kick Russ in the balls later on for suggesting he walk out of the room in these goddamned pants.
“Ahh..yeah...sorry. My best friend from home made these for me.”
“I see. I don’t know many guys who sew.....”
“Oh! No. She’s a girl.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Who, Sarah? God no. We go way back. She’s like a sister. Yeah, no. I definitely don’t have a girlfriend right now.”
Charlie started to blush, badly. He knew he was failing badly at talking to this girl, but he was just shellshocked at how attracted he was to her.
“Good to know. I don’t even know your name, but I know you’re single.”
“OH! Sorry! Sorry! My name is Charlie. What’d you say your name was?”
“Ashley.”
“Hi, Ashley. My name is Charlie.....”
He paused for a moment and smiled. Charlie knew he was going to hang himself later in his closet for biffing the conversation this bad.
“Ah shit. I already told you my name. Sorry.”
“Its alright, Chuck. Where you from?”
Ashley sat on her bed and patted next to her, motioning for Charlie to come sit next to her.
“Thanks. I’m from Cleveland, Ohio.”
“Oh yeah? What part of Cleveland?”
“The actual city of. I hate those people who say they’re from Cleveland, but it ends up being a suburb. If you live in a suburb, just say so. If somebody says they’re from New York, nobody actually asks them where in New York, they just nod their heads. But with Cleveland, nobody is actually from the city. Its dumb.”
Ashley smiled while Charlie just buried his head into his chest and shook his head.
“Ah...ah...I’m sorry. For real. Russ forced me to come out and meet people. I don’t know what I’m doing up here.”
Ashley laughed.
“It’s okay. It’s kinda cute.”
Charlie looked up to see Ashley smiling and brushing a piece of her brunette with blonde highlighted hair behind her ear.
“So, where are you from, Ashley?
“Avon.”
“Oh! I know where that is! That’s about thirty minutes from Cleveland, right?”
“Yep!”
“Oh wow, we don’t live too far from each other.”
“Guess not. Don’t start stalking me now...”
“Oh...oh no. I didn’t mean it in that way! Fuck....do you just want me to leave? I’m sorry.”
Ashley puts her hand on Charlie’s.
“You’re fine, Chuck. What’s got you so nervous?”
“Well, its just that I think you’re really, really pretty. Ohhhhhh....”
Charlie said out loud what he was thinking and only caught himself after he said it. He closed his eyes and tried to fight back the tears of humiliation he felt welling in his eyes. This was kick to the nuts number two for Russ later.
“Oh...well...thank you Chuck. I think you’re pretty cute, as well.”
He looked up again and he must have looked like an excited puppy dog with as wide as his eyes were, because Ashley let out a loud laugh.
“Well...thanks, I think.”
Charlie didn’t know what to do. He had never been in this situation before. In his head were a million different thoughts, none of which seemed like a viable option. However, he knew he got to this point by being open and direct, so why stop it?
“Well, you wanna hang out?”
As Ashley goes to answer, Russ cuts a loud fart from across the room, much to the delight of Sophie.
“Umm...if you keep company like that....”
“Oh no! He’s just my roommate. I DID NOT pick to live with that mongoloid.”
“Alright. We can hang then. You wanna watch a movie later?”
“Sure!”
Charlie was beside himself he was so excited. Is it really that easy? is all he could think to himself. He walked in there, made an absolute ass out of himself, and ended up with a pseudo-date later on in the night. They continued to talk for a few more minutes before deciding on a time to meet later that night to watch the movie. Russ and Sophie butted in and joined the movie plans as well.
As Russ and Charlie walked back down the stairwell to their room, Russ punched Charlie in the shoulder.
“See, ya motherfucker! I told you things were gonna work out! I’m totally gettin laid tonight! She’s a fuckin slam piece, bro! Totally!”
Rather than engage him in conversation, Charlie merely nodded hid head, still unable to get the smile off his face. Russ or no Russ, he had a movie date with Ashley tonight.
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