The Blinking

 (I'm writing off the cuff tonight. I apologize if it rambles, is incoherent, or you just don't get it. I might revise this over the next couple days if I think of ways to fill gaps or further explain)

I've come to find that my best motivation to write often comes at night.

Its a weird happenstance. I'll be thinking to myself...and something will hit a chord. And it will stick. And that thought will turn into  a larger idea.

Other nights...I'll sit down with the intention of writing and stare at the screen as the typeline blinks, almost tauntingly, daring me to put words down. Those nights are the worst. I'll often doubt a lot of things- my ability to write, my intelligence, my creativity...

I got some great advice from an unlikely friend tonight.

"Im enough and I matter."

Saturday Night Live jokes aside (Im good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me), there's a lot more depth to that statement beyond the statement itself.

If you read any of my writings, you usually come to the conclusion that I'm pretty self-conscious and not high on the self-esteem ladder. I was always taught over the years that humility, the act of being humble, meant always meant admitting that there were those that are smarter than you, faster than you, better than you. To me, being humble was admitting that you're not the end all be all. "Never forget where you came from, because you can always end up back there."

And to some extent, it is.

But not really.

From a religious stand point, the major religions teach that humility puts you above others, because you recognize your lowliness and are without ego.

Think about that for a moment.

You're better than others because you choose to recognize you're not better than others. You choose to recognize your lowliness and your submission to your superiors. From a religious standpoint, there should only be one- God. Therefore, if you define humility off that concept, you've got a pretty big gap there, right?

In sports, humble athletes are made into wholesome stars because they downplay their ability. Society chooses to worship someone....who refuses to acknowledge just how good they are.

Is any of this making sense? Because tonight, I can't wrap my head around it. We parade around those who choose not to parade themselves around, in essence ruining the humility they had.

On the flipside, you only get that chance if you establish yourself as being great- one of the best at what you do.

To get to that point though, requires a complete lack of humility. How do athletes become stars? Because they fight every day, training themselves, because they KNOW they're better than anyone else. Writers? They write every day and promote themselves every day, because they know the words they have strung together mean something more than what the other writers have done. Actors? They promote themselves every day, try out for every audition they can get their hands on, because they know the talent inside of them is something different and better than what is currently being offered.

I think...what I'm beginning to get at is that to be humble, you have to be a bit egotistical. To think lowly of yourself, you've got to have something you think highly of.

In Cleveland, Peyton Hillis is near demi-god status because of his humility and his talent. He's the best example I can think of off the top of my head. The man is a wrecking ball, a great running back, and a devoted religious man who constantly downplays his ability. When he first got to Cleveland, he immediately decided to tell the press he was going to make sure he became the best part of the Brady Quinn deal. Every week, he gushes humility, because all he does is play a game. Better than 99% of the people in the world. He's the perfect mix of egotism and humility.

That's how you make it, I think. That's the key to it all.

You cannot be humble without some egotism. I mean, you can be, but who would care? If you think you suck at something and continue to be humble about it, you're going nowhere and nobody really cares.

You can be egotistical without humility...but then you're just a self-righteous douchebag who thinks he's awesome but has nothing to back it up.

There has to be a balance there. You have to know you are better. Whether its a small thing or a larger thing. And it doesn't have to be better than someone else. As I preached in the beginning of the aborted Better Me Project, you can choose to find that smaller thing as being better than the person you were yesterday.

It starts as small victories and it grows to bigger ones.

Tonight somebody forced me to look in the mirror and say "I'm enough and I matter." I did it, laughing and feeling like an ass the entire time, then I sat back and thought about the depth of that statement.

You are enough. You do matter. The only constant detractor is you. The only person who regularly bets against you is you. You either choose to believe you're not very good period or you choose to believe that you're so good youre just out of the stratosphere and make everyone else around you look horrible.

I think the perfect mix of humility and egotism is in all of us, but too often we choose to follow one school instead of the other, thinking they can't harmonize.

I'm enough and I matter, though. I'm really good at the things I do, probably better than most people, and I will use those skills I have to help those around me get better at what they do. Hopefully they make me better. At the end of the day, we all fit together in a pretty awesome puzzle. We can all make each other better because we're so good at certain things and at the same time we recognize we need help with other things.

At the end of the day...all the matters....is that I'm enough and I matter.

Thanks Katie, don't let this get to your already enlarged head, okay? :)